Nov. 16th, 2016


Nov. 16th, 2016 01:33 am
dragoon811: (Green Quill)
Hello all!

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've said anything. I've been hanging about, reading entries and whatnot on occasion, but mostly...well, I've been feeling really disconnected of late. :(

I've been having such a hard time keeping up on Tumblr, livejournal, fanfic sites, Instagram, Facebook, World of Warcraft... I feel so burnt out lately and don't know how to fix it.

Work is going well, albeit super busy, as we hurtle headlong into the Christmas season. Bobby okay'd my urge to do a Harry Potter Christmas this year, so I have been crafting like a madwoman in between making Christmas presents and other obligations.

I play Wow daily, since the new expansion requires so much upkeep. It's actually very distressing and I can't wait until my main character is "done" so I can do fun stuff again. It's not really fun for me right now, but Bobby is trying his best to drag me along.

I also usually spend my Tuesday nights knitting, which has become a relaxing haven of sorts. Hanging out with a group of ladies who knit and/or crochet and exchanging skills and project ideas is great. The only downside is that as we near the holidays there are a lot more of us and it gets a little crazy! I'm currently working on a hoodled Dalek baby blanket for my friend for Christmas. Tonight I taught myself a bobble stitch (with five stitches! Madness!) and I'm actually very proud of my progress, minus all of the swearing. Apparently I need a filter. I also need to figure out how many stitches I need for a hat for myself with my lovely chunky yarn. I've decided that I require a Snape toque.

Thursdays are still for Dungeons and Dragons, with all of its goodness. I am playing a bard and have finally reached a level where I can take a feat. I have gleefully stolen some rather powerful spells from the Warlock spelllist and intend to create pain and havoc. One more level and my bardic inspiration power will become more useful, which is nice. The game before last, our ranger got himself cursed, struck blind and deaf. Why? Because he attacked two guys who had a shovel. That's why. "Shovel? Oh no! You must want me dead! Well then naughty children? it's murder time!" I fixed him last game, trading precious gems to the local priest to remove the curse. I wonder a lot if I am doing "too much" in game sometimes. I hate to be annoying and I often feel like I am. :(

I am still cooking, still crafting, still struggling to keep the house clean and tidy, and of course still trying to get pregnant. No luck yet; each month is rather soul-crushing. If nothing has happened by March, we'll see a doctor. They'd tell us to try for a year anyway, and that's a year. I have so many friends who are either pregnant or just given birth, and the jealousy is nearly unbearable. To be a mom has been my lifelong dream.

I feel like I can't keep up in my fanfiction. I love to write, I want to write, but it has been slow going. I worry that I am being annoying and people are upset. I don't know if I should join any more fests, either. I feel like a bother: I have nearly 380 emails and unanswered reviews going back over a year. The shame is great. I feel like a waste of space, and often like I don't belong at all. I do trend to flirting with the edges of the groups, feeling shy and like I shouldn't push in and worrying about drama, so perhaps it is my own doing that I feel this way?

Long story short...hello all. Christmas is coming and I am not prepared. I feel panicked, as if a million tiny voices are screaming in terror in my head at low volume. I feel estranged and odd. I blame myself, my mental health, and I am trying to push through it.

Much love to you all.

December 2016


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