![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragoon811I can't.
Dear internet void, I can't.
My last post? He wasn't doing great. Went back into the hospital within 24 hours of that post.
Was there until a week ago.
That....that is a long time.
I burned all of my PTO. All of my sick days. Everything, to stay with my kids. Mostly because I can't fucking trust my in-laws -- they had locked my eldest in a dark room with a childlock on the inside and wanted us to do the same. And then ofc have been gaslighting us about it since. They're all fucking dead to me.
My mom flew up to stay for 7 weeks. My aunt came up for 3. I am out of help.
My dad sent me money, I am using it to hire a (very lovely) nanny. She is $20/an hour. I make $17 and change. It's disheartening.
I applied for my work's charity - and got funds! Which is great! It's just... it's on a credit card. At least it can be gas and groceries, I guess? I mean, it's also going to charge me .50 every time I use it. It's frustrating beyond belief. I am so scared to use it. What if they take it away? What if I get dinged on taxes next year for accepting charity.
I got approved for subsidized daycare.... but they're going by last year. So it'll be 415$ a month. I make about 2000. Rent is 1300. What is food???? Also, I am STILL WAITING FOR PLACEMENT. This is ridiculous. I hate everything.
Even though he is home, he is still...not well. He can't handle stress. He can barely function via his own routine. I have no partner. No safety net. I feel like I am burdening my friends if I complain or talk about it.
I want so badly to protect my kids, but I don't know what that looks like right now. Is he a danger to them? No. Is he a good dad? He wants to be. He's not present and he's definitely not good at parenting.
I hate how he throws himself into his computer games every chance he gets. I hate how he shouts at Rose - "no no no no no nono" Sir that does NOTHING. Use your fucking words. Even if it's "Rose, stop please." and "I need to tell you why you can't do that."
I hate that I am the one...cooking 50%. Planning meals. SHopping for meals. Coordinating child care. Prepping for the start of school with Rose. Laundry - wash, fold, put away. Wrangle him. Wrangle the girls and plan outings so they're active. Interacting with them.
I am doing everything. I feel like I am being punished for something in my life.
I don't even know if "hate" is the right word... I'm really apathetic, to be honest. I just...keep going. If I don't keep going, it all fucking sucks.
What's better? Lose my job and home to stay home with my kids? Sell everything not nailed down or essential/incredibly sentimental and move to the states, leaving my husband behind? Send my kids to American schools, including active shooter drills?
Right now...right now I am just "keep going". One more step. One more day. One more meal plan. Just applying to *everything* I can - every daycare within driving distance.
I am working on my resume. Maybe I can get a 9-5 admin job or something so it'll be easier for childcare. (They're mostly 8-5 range). I love my job at Michaels, but there just... isn't enough money. Enough wiggle room in scheduling.
I am so angry at the world. So defeated. I hate myself and feel like a failure. I feel so fucking alone.
Dear internet void, I can't.
My last post? He wasn't doing great. Went back into the hospital within 24 hours of that post.
Was there until a week ago.
That....that is a long time.
I burned all of my PTO. All of my sick days. Everything, to stay with my kids. Mostly because I can't fucking trust my in-laws -- they had locked my eldest in a dark room with a childlock on the inside and wanted us to do the same. And then ofc have been gaslighting us about it since. They're all fucking dead to me.
My mom flew up to stay for 7 weeks. My aunt came up for 3. I am out of help.
My dad sent me money, I am using it to hire a (very lovely) nanny. She is $20/an hour. I make $17 and change. It's disheartening.
I applied for my work's charity - and got funds! Which is great! It's just... it's on a credit card. At least it can be gas and groceries, I guess? I mean, it's also going to charge me .50 every time I use it. It's frustrating beyond belief. I am so scared to use it. What if they take it away? What if I get dinged on taxes next year for accepting charity.
I got approved for subsidized daycare.... but they're going by last year. So it'll be 415$ a month. I make about 2000. Rent is 1300. What is food???? Also, I am STILL WAITING FOR PLACEMENT. This is ridiculous. I hate everything.
Even though he is home, he is still...not well. He can't handle stress. He can barely function via his own routine. I have no partner. No safety net. I feel like I am burdening my friends if I complain or talk about it.
I want so badly to protect my kids, but I don't know what that looks like right now. Is he a danger to them? No. Is he a good dad? He wants to be. He's not present and he's definitely not good at parenting.
I hate how he throws himself into his computer games every chance he gets. I hate how he shouts at Rose - "no no no no no nono" Sir that does NOTHING. Use your fucking words. Even if it's "Rose, stop please." and "I need to tell you why you can't do that."
I hate that I am the one...cooking 50%. Planning meals. SHopping for meals. Coordinating child care. Prepping for the start of school with Rose. Laundry - wash, fold, put away. Wrangle him. Wrangle the girls and plan outings so they're active. Interacting with them.
I am doing everything. I feel like I am being punished for something in my life.
I don't even know if "hate" is the right word... I'm really apathetic, to be honest. I just...keep going. If I don't keep going, it all fucking sucks.
What's better? Lose my job and home to stay home with my kids? Sell everything not nailed down or essential/incredibly sentimental and move to the states, leaving my husband behind? Send my kids to American schools, including active shooter drills?
Right now...right now I am just "keep going". One more step. One more day. One more meal plan. Just applying to *everything* I can - every daycare within driving distance.
I am working on my resume. Maybe I can get a 9-5 admin job or something so it'll be easier for childcare. (They're mostly 8-5 range). I love my job at Michaels, but there just... isn't enough money. Enough wiggle room in scheduling.
I am so angry at the world. So defeated. I hate myself and feel like a failure. I feel so fucking alone.
