Worried Katie is Worried. Also hi, it's been a while.

[dragoon811]

So hello I am freaking the fuck out because today our house might “sell” ie we may reach an offer both parties agree on. (There’s an interested party and they’re leaving for India tomorrow and so want this settled before they go. We’re fighting for the price we want because TBH our land and the house is worth WAY MORE than we have listed…)

Friday we go look at at least two properties…but we’re pretty…. well, we don’t have a lot of income so our options are really limited. (I don’t know how long it will take the government to approve my work permit, and I am STILL waiting on residency, and tbh I  haven’t had ANY pillowcase sales this month, so… suffer? I guess? Is sort of my motto? because he has minimum wage income and I have basically zero income…)

Trying to find Bobby’s paperwork so we can go to some banks and check out if we could 1) get pre-approved for financing and 2) see how much we would have to work with. Of course,  I get to also curl up in the corner and cry because WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING aside from “okay we think we can afford this price range in mortgage” and now flailing and stressing.

I REALLY HOPE that I get both work permit and a job. I am so STRESSED OUT. We don’t make much money. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

How can we afford to live, even in the cheapest area? We may have to skip internet for a while, or cancel cell phones (we ARE past contract and wouldn’t incur a fee). I don’t know.  Hell, RENT would be more expensive than a mortgage here.

So I am just…sobbing and crying because I am 31 years old, unemployed STILL thanks to the fucking government of Canada and their slow-ass-shit approach to residency applications and also my husband has his minimum-wage job because of my stupid, selfish in-laws (long story).

(I mean, I have my own tiny reserve of savings, but that’s paying my monthly credit card bill because I AM POOR. And I have like eleven months and then I have zero dollars, okay?)

I hate this. I hate that it is so hard. I hate that a grown man working full time cannot support himself and his wife. Food is insanely expensive.

I’ve just fucking calculated how much gas it would cost for him to go to work per week, month, and year assuming the average price this year. I’ve been figuring out just HOW MUCH food costs again. Like, down-to-the-penny for meals. I am good at this, I know. I know I can TOTALLY cut more stuff out, too. I know I can keep cooking from scratch as long as I’m not working. I know that PB&J is my friend. Trust me. I know.  I KNOW that I can reduce meals to pasta, carrots, onions, potatoes, and chicken. No special meals except birthdays/holidays unless I find meat on sale. I know I can do that. I KNOW I can. I’ve done it before. I just hate doing it.

I hate that I would have to “take away” the small things that make him happy. My cooking is all I have to give him. I mean, I know I can do more and more from scratch to provide him with yummy things, but it won’t be AS good because we wouldn’t be able to affort ingredients. I have no problem shopping for off-brands (depending on what it is) and no problem buying expiring items to freeze and no problem I know I could save money by having him pick up groceries before/after work if we couldn’t get to Costco. I know it’s doable. I just…I just hate it.I feel insane. My chest is tight and I feel sick.I have no idea what to do and I feel poor and near tears.

(I mean seriously a night of pasta costs 4.56 to make, and 8-10 servings at .46-.57 each. Gas to and from his work assuming we got the farthest house would be 257 a month at the highest gas prices have been. Our car has shit mileage. Please kill me. I hate math and I have been sitting here all day crying and throwing myself at numbers.)

Going to fill out my work permit tonight and try not to cry: If I can get it back quickly AND find a job, it will REALLY HELP, especially if said job is near to his in terms of locale and hours. (Or close enough that I could bus to/from his work if he could drop me off, etc.)  Of course, said work permit costs $300.

I've been researching mortgages and lending rates. I've calculated monthly expenditures and meal costs. I've researched internet/electric/water costs.