Nov. 16th, 2016 01:33 am
dragoon811: (Green Quill)
[personal profile] dragoon811
Hello all!

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've said anything. I've been hanging about, reading entries and whatnot on occasion, but mostly...well, I've been feeling really disconnected of late. :(

I've been having such a hard time keeping up on Tumblr, livejournal, fanfic sites, Instagram, Facebook, World of Warcraft... I feel so burnt out lately and don't know how to fix it.

Work is going well, albeit super busy, as we hurtle headlong into the Christmas season. Bobby okay'd my urge to do a Harry Potter Christmas this year, so I have been crafting like a madwoman in between making Christmas presents and other obligations.

I play Wow daily, since the new expansion requires so much upkeep. It's actually very distressing and I can't wait until my main character is "done" so I can do fun stuff again. It's not really fun for me right now, but Bobby is trying his best to drag me along.

I also usually spend my Tuesday nights knitting, which has become a relaxing haven of sorts. Hanging out with a group of ladies who knit and/or crochet and exchanging skills and project ideas is great. The only downside is that as we near the holidays there are a lot more of us and it gets a little crazy! I'm currently working on a hoodled Dalek baby blanket for my friend for Christmas. Tonight I taught myself a bobble stitch (with five stitches! Madness!) and I'm actually very proud of my progress, minus all of the swearing. Apparently I need a filter. I also need to figure out how many stitches I need for a hat for myself with my lovely chunky yarn. I've decided that I require a Snape toque.

Thursdays are still for Dungeons and Dragons, with all of its goodness. I am playing a bard and have finally reached a level where I can take a feat. I have gleefully stolen some rather powerful spells from the Warlock spelllist and intend to create pain and havoc. One more level and my bardic inspiration power will become more useful, which is nice. The game before last, our ranger got himself cursed, struck blind and deaf. Why? Because he attacked two guys who had a shovel. That's why. "Shovel? Oh no! You must want me dead! Well then naughty children? it's murder time!" I fixed him last game, trading precious gems to the local priest to remove the curse. I wonder a lot if I am doing "too much" in game sometimes. I hate to be annoying and I often feel like I am. :(

I am still cooking, still crafting, still struggling to keep the house clean and tidy, and of course still trying to get pregnant. No luck yet; each month is rather soul-crushing. If nothing has happened by March, we'll see a doctor. They'd tell us to try for a year anyway, and that's a year. I have so many friends who are either pregnant or just given birth, and the jealousy is nearly unbearable. To be a mom has been my lifelong dream.

I feel like I can't keep up in my fanfiction. I love to write, I want to write, but it has been slow going. I worry that I am being annoying and people are upset. I don't know if I should join any more fests, either. I feel like a bother: I have nearly 380 emails and unanswered reviews going back over a year. The shame is great. I feel like a waste of space, and often like I don't belong at all. I do trend to flirting with the edges of the groups, feeling shy and like I shouldn't push in and worrying about drama, so perhaps it is my own doing that I feel this way?

Long story short...hello all. Christmas is coming and I am not prepared. I feel panicked, as if a million tiny voices are screaming in terror in my head at low volume. I feel estranged and odd. I blame myself, my mental health, and I am trying to push through it.

Much love to you all.

Date: 2016-11-16 11:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
For what it's worth: anytime I see your name attached to something, I get excited. You and Teddy wrote some of the first SS/HG stories I ever - EVER- read! I had no idea this little pocket of comfort even existed. So, because of you and Teddy, I am here now. I have friends who really see me. I have started to write again- not only for myself, but actually sharing with others. I joined my first fest! You helped me do that!
I UNDERSTAND. I think it is safe to say a lot of us are feeling unbalanced right now. For me, it's the outcome of the election, and wondering about my place in this new world. Like you, I have mental health issues, a lifetime of crippling depression and anxiety. Self-care is paramount right now. What do you need to do to protect yourself?
I think it is important that you just took time to write and post this entry. Again, for me, when I reach the point where I acknowledge shit is bad, I start to turn the corner. I reach out and ask for comfort. I couldn't do that when I was younger- didn't know how. But I do know now. So this is me reaching back to you, letting you know I Get It. I truly do.
Sending hugs and Love. ❤️
Edited Date: 2016-11-16 11:42 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-11-16 11:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Honey, you've got so much on your plate! Don't worry, after a few more months, you'll prioritize, whether deliberately or not, and put some of those things on the back-burner. It happens to all of us. For instance, for years I loved to cross-stitch, and its been 20 years since I've done so, but I just don't have time. I'll take it back up again one day. I must say one thing - I certainly miss the pics of those delicious meals you whip up! Stay sweet and we love you!

Date: 2016-11-16 12:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Being overwhelmed is why I only do LJ. I like it here and it keeps me connected with people without burying me.

Sorry everything else is making you feel is disconnected, but I have the feeling that if you disconnected more, you'd feel a lot better and have a lot more time for other things. Excessive stress can have a huge impact on getting pregnant.

Date: 2016-11-16 01:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've been feeling disconnected lately too. Uni done for the year so I'm hoping I'll have the energy to get back in.

Congrats for learning the bobble stitch !

I'm sorry you've been struggling with that. :( I often hear, once you stop trying so hard, it comes along. My sister was told they'd need IVF (partner had testicular cancer so reduced the chances) so they resigned to that. Luckily before it came to that, my darling niece Lara came along.

In any case, I wish you luck in your journey. However it may come about xx

Date: 2016-11-21 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm very sorry to hear about fertility struggles. Thank you for talking about it, though--it's so often consigned to secrecy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it so...but all I have to offer are many virtual hugs and the statement that YOU ARE NOT A WASTE OF SPACE. In fact, you are one of the most insanely talented people I've ever come across, whether you ever write again or not. I have unanswered reviews going back 5+'s ok to let it go. People understand. Love to you and many positive thoughts... When I think of the wide world of HP fanfiction, you are solidly in my top 3 favorites, ever. :)

Date: 2016-12-24 03:13 pm (UTC)
delphipsmith: (wand-waving)
From: [personal profile] delphipsmith
Bobby okay'd my urge to do a Harry Potter Christmas this year, so I have been crafting like a madwoman in between making Christmas presents and other obligations.

This sounds delightful. Have you any pictures you can share? Would love to see!

Mr Psmith is a WoW fanatic as well; I didn't see much of him for a couple of weeks after the new expansion came out.

Since you're a D&D fan, you might like this post in which I share several very humorous D&D-related things ;)

Date: 2016-12-26 08:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
There is a link to pics on my most recent entry :)

December 2016


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